For my ‘One Event’ session with Claire, I expected that a major life event I already knew about would come forward as the ‘one’: my mother walking out...
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For my ‘One Event’ session with Claire, I expected that a major life event I already knew about would come forward as the ‘one’: my mother walking out when I was five, or the sexual abuse I later suffered.
March 21, 2018
Instead, I was drawn back to myself as a newborn. My mother frequently left me to cry unattended in my cot, rarely picking me up or showing me tenderness. Though an adult, she was emotionally immature. She was unable to cope with the reality of babies, and numbed herself instead with prescription drugs, alcohol, and affairs. In later life my mother confirmed all this, but the session with Claire was the first time I truly went into how it felt as a newborn.
In a flash, I understood how this has affected my life. My mother actually leaving me when I was five had, I knew, led to a deep sense of unworthiness. But this earlier rejection – the moment I entered the world – was more raw, more primal. Without the constant tender touches and loving gazes, without the gentle sing-song of a mother’s voice , I felt as if I didn’t matter. I almost didn’t exist. I was invisble, my cries unheard, my presence ignored.
That lack was only in the connection with my mother, yet I have carried it through my whole life, viewing all my relationships through that lens: feeling unimportant, unseen, as if I don’t matter to people. This is despite being lucky enough to enjoy a happy marriage, many wonderful friends, and creative work. So this single relationship with an immature and self-absorbed person has cast its shadow over all my relationships, and most importantly, the relationship with myself and how solid, safe and important I feel in this world.
The other effect of this event was energetic. In the session, I saw that hovering over every newborn is the expansive adult soul or higher self it is to later embody. To fully incarnate, a baby needs physical touch, loving acceptance and a sense of safety to act as anchors for the soul. I could sense the enormous potential and power of the real me hovering over me as a baby – the power to fulfil my life’s purpose.
So because I lacked those anchors, my soul has not fully incarnated. I have lived a half-life, sensing so much more to me, but being stymied by a terrible sense of unworthiness, of not being important enough or present enough to go out and do anything incredible. And in the wreckage of all this, I have spent too much time just trying to survive, to form the shattered pieces of me into a functioning human being. And I want more than just to function. I want to flower into the powerful being of light I am meant to be. I want to give to people, not to be absorbed by my own pain.
It is no coincidence that at the very time I am undergoing enormous changes – moving to the other side of the country, my child starting school – my mother also recently died. When I sat down to write this, for the first time since she passed on, today I felt her presence.
What feels different is that she has also moved on to becoming something else. I sensed a fellow soul on a healing journey, not the mother who hurt me. A soul that understands we chose to play parts for each other so we could learn, but these don’t define our true and greater selves.
To truly come alive, my inner child needs to let go of the idea of ‘mother’, which is a challenge. But today, I sensed my mother as just another soul on the great road, and felt from her the more general human love for a fellow traveller. And that is helping immensely.