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A mutual friend introduced me to an Englishman, who mostly has his life together, other than being a bit of a party animal and smoker, who is hopefully quitting- he does eat healthily. He runs a successful business, is very driven, and makes lots of money. He wanted to find an Australian girl to marry so he could get into the country. I was the best candidate according to my friend, so he introduced us.
But when we met, we fell for each other pretty much straight away. He isn't the best-looking guy (and that is a slight issue because I love beauty), he's not a great lover, we have very differing values, and he's not very emotionally available. He doesn't express his emotions, and has never once told me that I am beautiful or how much he likes me. It's been about 3 months, off and on, due to individual travel.
We really like each other, but it's very hard on me emotionally, because I'm an anxious attacher, and need lots of reassurance, words of affirmation, and physical touch and love, and I like to give lots of love too, but he doesn't seem to have the capacity for it. He will nearly run away when the morning comes, after a certain amount of cuddles and sex, he is great at cuddling in bed- but hates PDA's. But we do have a great connection- same wavelength.
Our mutual friend maintains that I should just let go of being attached to my needs, and go with it in a business sense (separate the two), because it's a great financial opportunity for me, possibly to own a house. I have a young daughter, and I’m tired of doing it all on my own. Not only would I like to have a man around, but also I want to start a business. And another problem is he wants kids, He is 9 years younger.
The question is, will this relationship work on any level, or should I hold out for my twin flame.
Or will the twin flame thing NEVER happen for me?? I have been attracting unavailable men for the past 3 years.
To find love is my number one wish!
Thanks so much for reading
November 6, 2015
Thank you for your question.
Your friend’s suggestion to enter the relationship as a business contract could work if you were the type of person who could put your other needs aside, but I am not quite sure that you would be an easy thing for you to do.
You have already said you need lots of reassurance when it comes to matters of the heart. If you commit to this relationship believing you can change him into the man you want him to be, then I feel this would lead to great disappointment and heartbreak.
I am certainly not suggesting there is anything fundamentally wrong with this man, he seems like the type of guy that what you see is what you get, so he has a certain level of confidence and pride in who he is. However as you are already finding fault in him, I don’t feel hopeful that you could fall in love with him enough to have a lasting relationship.
If you were to make this purely about business, for that to work there could be no expectation of having a sexual relationship or dating or he parenting your daughter. But he wants children, so he has an expectation beyond providing financial security of creating a family with the person he marries. And that is another issue, as having more children doesn’t feel a priority for you.
At this moment your need to be loved overshadows who the best person is for you to be with.
I believe in order for you to have a successful long term relationship you would be advised to get some relationship counseling. Its feels like there is a lot of unresolved pain from past relationships that needs to be healed before you can move on and create a happy long term relationship.
I also feel you are at a time in your life where learning to take real care of yourself, emotionally, mentally and physically is of the utmost importance.
Attending to your emotional wounds is such a worthwhile thing to do. And it will improve the quality of relationships that you attract in the future, and end any relationships that are not healthy for you in the present. Counseling can teach you ways to be more independent and self-sufficient, which would be good behavior to role model to your daughter.
Counseling can also help you change any belief you have about needing a man to rescue you, and although many men and women still play out that fairytale, it usually causes a great deal of disappointment, resentment and animosity. Often giving the rescuer permission to be in control of the person he or she is rescuing.
I understand some people like being controlled as it gives them a sense of security, but in the long term the one being controlled will feel like a prisoner; tortured by another’s need for power.
I would love you to be in a beautiful relationship, and I believe that in time you will meet the right person. However I would like you to find you’re way to that relationship from a place of self-care, self-love, self-compassion and with the ability to set good boundaries, before getting too involved.
The Angels are watching over you and want only the best for you, but are imploring you to strive to only want the best for yourself and your daughter. Take the time to heal your wounding both recent and past, once released from your hurt, life will feel more positive and the direction in which you choose to travel will be clear of obstacles; opening you to the potential for true love and a very happy life.