For my ‘One Event’ session with Claire, I expected that a major life event I already knew about would come forward as the ‘one’: my mother walking out...
March 21, 2018
Dear Claire, I am currently plagued with doubts; mainly on how much energy, both financial and emotional/mental; I am currently spending on (and have...
July 31, 2015
Let’s talk about guns...
March 29, 2018
I have issues around shame and as I am getting older am becoming more and more aware of how much it negatively impacts on my life. I grew up in a family where a lot of anger and blame were present and overall it was not an emotionally safe environment. My father died when I was 17 years old and my mother is still alive, however we do not have a great relationship.
My mother is a healthy 72 year old lady with a good social life, however I feel a lot of pressure from her to 'look after' her and have most of my adult life. She does not respond well when I try to, kindly, put boundaries in place, hence I do not have a lot of contact with her.
I feel she does not take responsibility or show remorse for hurt she has caused me over the years. I have directly spoken to her about how hurt I feel by some of her actions and she does not apologise, but rather defends her hurtful behaviour. This response leaves me feeling worthless and powerless.
As much as it hurts, I realize I will most likely never get acknowledgement or an apology from her. I also understand she is doing the best she can. I feel this issue with my mother is the main cause for my feelings of worthlessness. Can you please provide some guidance to help me heal my shame?
April 25, 2015
Thank-you for your question.
It is very courageous to ask this question, as many find it very hard to admit they are conflicted about their feelings of shame and worthlessness.
In asking your question it may help others to also speak up about their hurt, which hopefully will lead them to find the help they need to heal.
Your abandoned inner child appears to be crouching down and almost hidden in a corner. I am truly sorry that your beautiful inner child and inner teenager are so hurt because your mum was unable to be emotionally responsible.
As a means of survival your child felt the need to become the parent, this is not an uncommon dynamic created between a child and his or her parents, in any dysfunctional family system.
It also feels that in a previous life you have been the parent and your mother was your child. You can perhaps see why it would feel almost natural to continue those roles as a means of survival in this lifetime.
Although you do not see your mother often, energetically you will still be very much engaged with her expectations and the relationship she is used to having with you.
What I suggest you do is find that part of self who has been parenting your mother and ask her/ him to disengage from that role. Ending this element of your relationship is vital to healing your lack of self-worth.
To help you identify your inner parent, you may need to do some journaling as a means of investigation and or seek professional help; both will help you explore how the parent in you is very entangled with the “child” within your mother.
The reasons these things happen is not your child’s fault per say, and therefore it is important to be kind to self during this process. Remember your child did what she/he needed to do to survive your childhood and adolescence.
Also try to take the time to genuinely appreciate and acknowledge the great job that your inner child and your inner parent did to shoulder so much responsibility.
Once you have disentangled from that old way of being, you will need to find some meaningful ways to resurrect your playful, creative and potentially happy child out of the darkness of feeling shame and guilt. Perhaps spend some time in nature, find a creative activity that could be fun, practice mindfulness and learn to be present to self and others in each moment that you can. This practice also helps to be grounded, to have good boundaries and reduces fear.
This is definitely a process that is not easy to do, but one worth persisting, as the benefits far out way the fears.
The library is also a good place to resource books on healing the inner child.
The other reason to disengage from old ways of being is that it allows a new way to be in all types of relationships, particularly the one with self.
Naturally with your mother there is always a risk that she will refuse to relate to the new you. But I feel hopeful that in time she will adjust and your compassionate heart will find ways to be with her that are healthier for the both of you.
The Angels are also saying that although shame is a particularly tricky emotion to uncover and release, because you have an awareness of when and how shame shows up in your life you are already well placed to be able to heal it.
The Angels recommend that you try to be conscious of how your shame is sitting in your heart and how it feels in your gut on a daily basis. As you keep monitoring it you will have more ‘control’ over how the feelings of shame influence each day you live your life, therefore reducing the long-term consequences of such a strong emotion. Even though the residual pain of it may remain for sometime until it is fully resolved.
This level of conscientiousness will help you to be present to this life defining process and will also teach you some great techniques for managing any emotional pain that could have a detrimental effect upon you.
And remember you have already managed to come through life as a conscious person wanting to do well in the world. It takes great courage and commitment to make changes that will ultimately affect the rest of your life.